Whimsical Lair

It’s 2 a.m. I am sitting here contemplating my future. All day now I have been feeling exceptionally low. I should correct that, I have been feeling low a while now. When was the last time I felt true joy and satisfaction? Is it always going to be so difficult? Life that provides only repetitive events, fears and shadows? Will time truly ease the pain or prolong it? Will people seek to understand, beneath the words and beneath the tears?

My time in studying law has taught me the significance and the multitude interpretations that can be derived from mere words. An apple may never always look, smell, taste or feel the same for different people. How do you seek to explain with words? Is it possible even to say a single sentence without it being misconstrued by at least one person in a group of ten? I read blogs all the time, and the comments that are made in retaliation, or in support of the words proves my point. No one can singularly capture the heart and essence of the communication but the speaker, or the writer.

I find myself finding it more and more difficult to communicate as time goes by. I am reminiscing about the days when no words are necessary to communicate the heart and the soul. When people around you understand what you say, or not say. Slowly I withdraw deeper in my shell, trying desperately to retain my spirit, and my soul. It is so easy to hurt others, though it is not of your intention.

Will I be able to find the wisdom? To find the path that will shields the soul and yet integrate with the environment? Truly, my belief and my faith is cracking. And I do not want it to be so.

Joie de vivre … will I find you?

Ningen wa, dai suki desu. Watashiwa aiisteru. Hon to ni, aiisteru. Yamate kudasai.

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